250+ Witty & Sarcastic Comebacks for Jerks and Bullies

Arm yourself with these 250+ witty and sarcastic comebacks for jerks and bullies, crafted to roast, deflect, and dominate with zero mercy. Whether it’s schoolyard taunts, workplace shade, or online trolls,

these concise, brutal clapbacks will silence the noise—perfect for texts, in-person burns, or group chat chaos.

Best 250+ Clever & Savage Replies to “What Are You Doing?”

Table of Contents

Witty & Sarcastic Comebacks for Jerks and Bullies

Appearance Jabs – Hit Back Hard

Your mirror called—it wants a refund.
I’d roast your looks, but nature already did.
Your face is why we have screen locks.
You’re proof evolution can go in reverse.
Your style’s so bad, it’s a fashion crime scene.
I’d say dress better, but that’s impossible.
Your haircut’s a cry for help—answer it.
You’re the reason “before” photos exist.
Your outfit’s screaming “I gave up.”
Beauty’s subjective—you’re the control group.

Intelligence Burns – Outsmart the Dumb

Your brain’s on vacation—permanently.
I’d explain, but you lack the capacity.
You’re not stupid—you’re just… creatively challenged.
Your IQ test came back negative.
Thoughts so shallow, puddles have more depth.
You’re the reason instructions have pictures.
Common sense called—it’s not looking for you.
Your logic’s so broken, it needs tech support.
You’re living proof brains aren’t mandatory.
I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.

Social Fails – Roast the Lame

Your personality’s on mute—permanently.
You’re the human version of a participation trophy.
Your vibe’s so off, GPS can’t find it.
You’re why “social distancing” was invented.
Your jokes land like a screen door on a submarine.
You’re the reason parties have an exit.
Your charm’s on backorder—indefinitely.
You’re the background character in your own life.
Your presence is a software update—skip.
You’re the friend nobody tags in photos.

Ego Checks – Deflate the Arrogant

Your ego’s writing checks your skills can’t cash.
Confidence is quiet—you wouldn’t know.
You’re not the main character—side quest at best.
Your crown’s plastic—dollar store royalty.
Humble’s a foreign language to you.
You’re overrated—like a bad sequel.
Your hype train derailed—years ago.
You’re the king of nothing—congrats.
Your pedestal’s made of delusions.
Reality called—you’re still on hold.

Failure Roasts – Laugh at the Loser

You’re not failing—you’re just… consistently mediocre.
Your success rate’s lower than dial-up internet.
You’re the participation ribbon of life.
Your goals filed for bankruptcy.
You’re the reason “try again” exists.
Your resume’s a highlight reel of almosts.
You’re the beta version—never updated.
Your wins are so rare, they’re endangered.
You’re the cautionary tale in every story.
Your L streak’s longer than a CVS receipt.

Money & Status Burns

Your wallet’s on a diet—starving.
You’re broke in spirit and in bank.
Your flex is weaker than dollar store tape.
You’re rich in excuses—billionaire status.
Your status update: still irrelevant.
You’re the coupon clipper of success.
Your net worth’s a rounding error.
You’re VIP—at the complaint desk.
Your bling’s from a vending machine.
You’re the clearance rack of ambition.

Tech & Online Trolls

Your Wi-Fi’s stronger than your arguments.
You’re the spam in everyone’s inbox.
Your profile pic’s the only filter you need.
You’re the reason we have “block user.”
Your takes are hotter than a laptop on lap.
You’re the glitch nobody wants fixed.
Your keyboard courage is adorable.
You’re the pop-up ad of conversations.
Your hot takes expired in 2010.
You’re the 404 error of relevance.

Work & School Shade

Your work ethic’s on permanent vacation.
You’re the group project’s missing link.
Your degree’s in “almost graduated.”
You’re the reason deadlines have extensions.
Your boss’s favorite phrase: “Do better.”
You’re the participation grade hero.
Your report card needs a therapist.
You’re the coffee run champion—only skill.
Your promotion’s stuck in HR purgatory.
You’re the syllabus nobody reads.

Family & Home Roasts

Your family reunion’s a solo event.
Your house is where Wi-Fi goes to die.
Your mom’s still looking for the “any key.”
Your room’s a biohazard—evacuate.
Your chores list is longer than your attention span.
Your pet avoids you—smart animal.
Your fridge is emptier than your promises.
Your family tree’s a straight line.
Your home’s the reason “out” was invented.
Your couch has your permanent imprint.

Food & Diet Burns

Your diet’s 90% excuses, 10% lies.
You’re the reason “all you can eat” went broke.
Your cooking’s a fire hazard—literally.
You’re the human garbage disposal—congrats.
Your salad’s just lettuce with regret.
You’re the reason menus have pictures.
Your metabolism filed for divorce.
You’re the extra large in small.
Your snack game’s stronger than your life game.
You’re the reason “portion control” exists.

Sports & Fitness Fails

Your cardio is running your mouth.
You’re the benchwarmer of life.
Your gym membership’s decorative.
You’re the reason “walk it off” was invented.
Your vertical’s lower than your standards.
You’re the participation trophy in human form.
Your sweat’s from anxiety, not effort.
You’re the timeout king—permanently.
Your team plays better without you.
You’re the reason “tryouts” exist.

Travel & Adventure Shade

Your passport’s collecting dust—permanently.
You’re lost in your own neighborhood.
Your sense of direction needs GPS therapy.
You’re the reason “are we there yet” exists.
Your luggage is heavier than your personality.
You’re the tourist nobody wants on the tour.
Your itinerary: couch to fridge.
You’re the delay in every flight.
Your adventure’s a trip to the mailbox.
You’re the wrong turn in every journey.

Music & Dance Roasts

Your playlist is a cry for help.
You’re off-beat in life and on the floor.
Your singing’s a noise complaint waiting to happen.
You’re the reason headphones have volume limits.
Your dance moves need a warning label.
You’re the skipped track on every album.
Your rhythm’s on permanent shuffle—wrong.
You’re the karaoke ban in human form.
Your air guitar’s out of tune.
You’re the flat note in every song.

Movie & TV Burns

You’re the plot hole nobody fixes.
Your life’s a filler episode—skip.
You’re the character nobody roots for.
Your drama’s straight to DVD—unsold.
You’re the ad break in every show.
Your storyline’s canceled after one season.
You’re the spoiler nobody cares about.
Your acting’s worse than a bad soap opera.
You’re the remote’s fast-forward button.
Your cameo’s forgettable—on purpose.

Weather & Nature Roasts

You’re the cloud in every silver lining.
Your mood’s worse than a tornado warning.
You’re the drought in every conversation.
Your presence is a natural disaster.
You’re the frostbite in summer.
Your vibe’s colder than a polar vortex.
You’re the storm nobody invited.
Your energy’s a heatwave—unbearable.
You’re the fog nobody can see through.
You’re the earthquake in calm waters.

Animal & Pet Comparisons

You’re the squirrel that forgot the nut.
Your bark’s worse than your bite—and both suck.
You’re the cat that knocks everything over.
Your loyalty’s lower than a goldfish’s memory.
You’re the pigeon of the internet—annoying.
Your roar’s a meow—scary, right?
You’re the sloth of productivity.
Your instincts are wrong—like a blind bat.
You’re the zoo’s “do not feed” sign.
You’re the stray nobody adopts.

Holiday & Celebration Shade

Your gift’s the one nobody opens.
You’re the fruitcake of every party.
Your cheers are louder than your skills.
You’re the New Year’s resolution—broken by January 2.
Your Halloween costume: invisible.
You’re the turkey nobody carves.
Your birthday’s a national “skip” day.
You’re the fireworks that fizzle out.
Your toast is drier than the bread.
You’re the confetti stuck in the carpet.

Sleep & Lazy Burns

Your ambition’s in a coma.
You’re the snooze button’s best friend.
Your dreams are bigger than your effort.
You’re the nap champion—gold medal.
Your alarm clock filed a restraining order.
You’re the couch’s permanent resident.
Your to-do list is “wake up… later.”
You’re the human version of “do not disturb.”
Your energy’s on low battery—permanently.
You’re the deadline’s worst nightmare.

Superpower & Fantasy Fails

Your superpower: invisibility—nobody notices.
Your magic spell: “abracadabra… fail.”
You’re the villain nobody fears.
Your cape’s stuck in the dryer.
Your quest ends at the couch.
You’re the dragon that breathes excuses.
Your wand’s a selfie stick—useless.
You’re the sidekick in your own story.
Your fortress is made of procrastination.
You’re the myth that never happened.

Car & Driving Roasts

Your driving’s a hazard—yield to everyone.
Your car’s cleaner than your conscience.
You’re the reason “student driver” exists.
Your parallel parking needs a map.
You’re the speed bump in traffic.
Your GPS gave up on you.
You’re the honk in every jam.
Your license is a participation award.
You’re the pothole nobody avoids.
Your turn signal’s on permanent vacation.

Random Savage Finishers

You’re the glitch in the matrix.
Your existence is a software bug.
You’re the fine print nobody reads.
Your comeback’s still loading—forever.
You’re the asterisk in every sentence.
Your relevance expired last century.
You’re the footnote in history.
Your impact’s a rounding error.
You’re the echo nobody hears.
Your legacy’s a blank page.

Brutal One-Word Burns

Irrelevant.
Forgotten.
Basic.
Tryhard.
Delusional.
Obsolete.
Mediocre.
Clueless.
Overrated.
Next.

Weather & Nature Roasts (Part 2)

You’re the hail in every picnic.
Your forecast: 100% chance of failure.
You’re the blizzard in July.
Your aura’s a dust storm.
You’re the lightning nobody sees coming.
Your chill’s colder than Antarctica.
You’re the monsoon of misery.
Your sunshine’s artificial.
You’re the eclipse nobody watches.
Your breeze is hot air.

Random Brutal Finishers (Part 2)

You’re the draft nobody saves.
Your spark’s a dud firework.
You’re the app nobody downloads.
Your signal’s lost—permanently.
You’re the channel nobody watches.
Your battery’s at 1%—always.
You’re the notification nobody opens.
Your update’s stuck at 0%.
You’re the cache nobody clears.
Your file’s corrupted—delete.

Why These Comebacks Destroy

Nailing the Witty & Sarcastic Vibe

Comebacks like “Your mirror called—it wants a refund” and “Your brain’s on vacation—permanently” deliver sharp humor and perfect timing, keeping the roast game lethal and hilarious.

Matching the Situation

For looks, use “Your mirror called—it wants a refund.” For smarts, try “Your brain’s on vacation—permanently.” For random shade, go “Irrelevant.”

Timing for Maximum Burn

Drop “Your mirror called—it wants a refund” right after their jab for a KO. Use “Your brain’s on vacation—permanently” mid-argument for silence. Hit “Irrelevant” in group chats for chaos.

Keeping It Witty & Sarcastic

Avoid weak lines like “Shut up.” Go for “Your mirror called—it wants a refund” or “Your brain’s on vacation—permanently” to keep roasts brutal and funny.

Personalizing the Clapback

For bullies, use “Your mirror called—it wants a refund.” For trolls, try “Your brain’s on vacation—permanently.” For all-purpose, go “Irrelevant.”

Delivery Tips

Say “Your mirror called—it wants a refund” with a smirk for impact. Text “Your brain’s on vacation—permanently” with perfect timing. Drop “Irrelevant” deadpan for shock value.

Interaction Context

In person, “Your mirror called—it wants a refund” destroys. Online, “Your brain’s on vacation—permanently” kills. In groups, “Irrelevant” reigns.

Evolving Your Roasts

Don’t repeat “You’re dumb.” Switch to “Your mirror called—it wants a refund” or “Your brain’s on vacation—permanently” to keep burns fresh and savage.

Handling Key Moments

Mid-jab, use “Your mirror called—it wants a refund” for a roast. In debates, try “Your brain’s on vacation—permanently” for logic. For trash talk, go “Irrelevant.”

Avoiding Weak Roasts

Skip bland lines like “Whatever.” Use “Your mirror called—it wants a refund” or “Your brain’s on vacation—permanently” for savage impact.

Teaching Roast Mastery

Model “Your mirror called—it wants a refund” to show timing. Share “Your brain’s on vacation—permanently” to teach brutality.

When to Keep It Short

For quick burns, use “Your mirror called—it wants a refund” or “Irrelevant” for instant KO.

Bonus Content: Extra Roast Ammo

5 Scenarios for Dropping Comebacks

Appearance Jab: Use “Your mirror called—it wants a refund” to dominate looks shade.
Intelligence Burn: Drop “Your brain’s on vacation—permanently” for dumb takes.
Group Chat Chaos: Send “Irrelevant” for maximum laughs.
Workplace Shade: Try “Your work ethic’s on permanent vacation” to roast laziness.
Online Troll: Go “Your keyboard courage is adorable” to silence.

5 Ways to Level Up Your Roasts

Add Savage Flair: Use “Your mirror called—it wants a refund” for brutality.
Match the Moment: Looks? Go “Your mirror called—it wants a refund.” Smarts? Try “Your brain’s on vacation—permanently.” Random? Use “Irrelevant.”
Deliver with Swagger: Say “Your mirror called—it wants a refund” with confidence.
Stay Brutal or Witty: Pair “Your brain’s on vacation—permanently” or “Irrelevant” with the right vibe.
Be Unforgettable: Use “Your mirror called—it wants a refund” for lasting burns.

5 Roasts to Avoid

Too Weak: “You’re mean” lacks punch; use “Your mirror called—it wants a refund” instead.
Too Generic: “You suck” flops; try “Your brain’s on vacation—permanently.”
Too Tame: “Stop it” bores; go “Irrelevant.”
Too Flat: “Whatever” stalls; use “Your mirror called—it wants a refund.”
Too Safe: “Not cool” fizzles; try “Your brain’s on vacation—permanently.”

5 Follow-Up Moves to Keep Roasting

Drop “Your mirror called—it wants a refund” then walk away.
Follow “Your brain’s on vacation—permanently” with a mic drop.
Spam “Irrelevant” in a group chat for chaos.
Save a favorite roast to reuse in the perfect moment.
Pair a roast with a deadpan stare to amplify the savage.

5 Tips for Crafting Your Own Roasts

Stay Savage: Use “Your mirror called—it wants a refund” for brutal inspiration.
Be Concise: Try “Your brain’s on vacation—permanently” for quick impact.
Keep It Versatile: Roasts like “Irrelevant” (1-2 sentences) work anywhere.
Match the Context: Looks? Go “Your mirror called—it wants a refund.” Smarts? Try “Your brain’s on vacation—permanently.” Random? Use “Irrelevant.”
Spark Laughs: Add “Pair a roast with a deadpan stare to amplify the savage” to dominate.

Conclusion

From appearance takedowns to intelligence incinerations, these 250+ witty and sarcastic comebacks for jerks and bullies own every confrontation with brutal humor. Perfect for shutting down trash talk, they’ll keep you undefeated in the roast game. Want more ways to burn bright? Check out our other guides for fresh clapback fuel!

FAQs

Q. How do I time a comeback perfectly?
Drop “Your mirror called—it wants a refund” right after their jab for maximum burn.
Q. What’s a good roast for a dumb comment?
Try “Your brain’s on vacation—permanently” to destroy ignorance.
Q. Can these work in group chats?
Yes! Spam “Irrelevant” for instant chaos.
Q. How do I keep roasts fun, not mean?
Follow with “Pair a roast with a deadpan stare to amplify the savage” but know your crowd.
Q. Are these comebacks versatile for any vibe?
Totally! Use “Your mirror called—it wants a refund” or “Your brain’s on vacation—permanently” for any savage or witty moment.